Part 3: Identity
If you do something for long enough, it tends to become a part of your identity. At least, that’s how it was with me. Everything that happened launched me into an identity crisis that I am still sorting through even today.
For more than a decade, I have served in ministry in one way or another. I spent most of those years as a worship leader. Leading worship was a natural fit for me, and when I discovered there was such a thing, there was a sense of purpose and fulfillment I found in nothing else.
Although I’ve never been a “full-time” minister (I’ve always maintained a day job), I have made a fairly large time investment in church-related work. I student-taught an accredited two-year bible college course, received an associates degree in Ministry, and was officially licensed as a minister. I lead small groups, installed and repaired sound systems, and planned and hosted special events. I’ve done everything from cleaning the bathrooms to delivering sermons. If it needed to be done, and I could do it, I did.
At the time I was suddenly relieved of my duties, I was working harder than I ever had. I lost a huge chunk of my life in a moment. Working on a church staff is always difficult and challenging work, and I see and hear people complain about it often. I wonder if those same people would complain if they couldn’t do it anymore.
This identity struggle was further compounded by the fact that the band I started in 2004 had (for lack of a better term) retired several months before. We were a pretty decent band (I even have recorded evidence), but we weren’t going to make it in the business. I had already resigned myself to that fact. We were past our prime as rock stars when we started, but I still enjoyed the process of making music. There’s nothing like telling stories in songs. More than that, though, my band mates were my inner circle, my best friends, and the band kept us hanging out together. We saw each other through a lot, but after the band was over, we rarely saw one another. That bothered me a lot.
When this latest event happened, it struck a lethal blow to the person I considered myself to be, leading me to wonder what, or who, was left. What does a person do when they can’t be who they have been most of their adult life?
What might be hardest for me to get past is the nagging sense of failure; that somehow I was not good enough or I did not work hard enough to be successful. And dealing with the thought that for whatever reason, I deserved this. It’s enough to make one question whether they were ever really called to do ministry at all.
Those thoughts might have made more sense if I had been leading some sort of double life, hiding a pile of secret sins and impropriety. If that were the case, I would have no qualms about laying those cards on the table for everyone to see, but it just isn’t so. I’m like everyone else, not perfect, but still striving to be a better person every day.
Thank you for this honest post, I can really relate to your feelings around your identity. I too ’stepped out’ of ministry last year that I had been part of my entire adult life and have spent the last year questioning my identity. I wasnt asked to leave but felt my had was forced and i’ve spent the last year trying to work out where i “fit” in the church world and even in God’s plans for my life. It’s hard to see the next step when you feel that what you were born and gifted to do is no longer an option for you.
It hurts, I still struggle with resentment and find it extremely hard to go back to church, however I’m finding that in the struggle God is still speaking, I just have to work hard to still my heart to hear Him. I’ve strgguled with the guilt that comes with not going to church because after all isnt that what we’re meant to do to be “good christians”? I’m finding that it’s not necessarily the case…
God has closed some doors for me but He’s opening others – I’m trying to see the learning opportunity in all of it. Somedays I can, others I just want to yell at God for messing up my life… huh – my life – it’s not really mine anymore is it, it belongs to the one who bought me with His blood… an old friend’s words constantly come to mind “You belong to God, He has every right to put you on the shelf and leave you there until He is ready” Tough, tough words but it’s true… if you feel “on the shelf” what is God trying to teach you through this time…?
Blessings
Ed
Ed´s last blog ..Share Photos with a Slideshow
[Reply]
Thank you for this honest post, I can really relate to your feelings around your identity. I too ’stepped out’ of ministry last year that I had been part of my entire adult life and have spent the last year questioning my identity. I wasnt asked to leave but felt my had was forced and i’ve spent the last year trying to work out where i “fit” in the church world and even in God’s plans for my life. It’s hard to see the next step when you feel that what you were born and gifted to do is no longer an option for you.
It hurts, I still struggle with resentment and find it extremely hard to go back to church, however I’m finding that in the struggle God is still speaking, I just have to work hard to still my heart to hear Him. I’ve strgguled with the guilt that comes with not going to church because after all isnt that what we’re meant to do to be “good christians”? I’m finding that it’s not necessarily the case…
God has closed some doors for me but He’s opening others – I’m trying to see the learning opportunity in all of it. Somedays I can, others I just want to yell at God for messing up my life… huh – my life – it’s not really mine anymore is it, it belongs to the one who bought me with His blood… an old friend’s words constantly come to mind “You belong to God, He has every right to put you on the shelf and leave you there until He is ready” Tough, tough words but it’s true… if you feel “on the shelf” what is God trying to teach you through this time…?
Blessings
Ed
Ed´s last blog ..Friday Fun Post
[Reply]
dub Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Thanks for sharing your heart. It’s good to know that we are not alone in our struggles.
One thing I do know for sure is that God is never surprised at what happens. I have to believe that he can bring purpose out of situations that seem pointless.
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I don’t know how to write this sentence and not have it sound judgmental, even though that isn’t my idea at all, but I think satan has you right where he wants you. I’m not one of those people that thinks satan is involved in the rain that put me in a bad mood yesterday, or he’s hiding around every corner, but I think all too often we forget that he’s the father of lies and he’s right there whispering in our ear that we’re not good enough, we don’t have what it takes, etc. I know I’m guilty of listening to this far too often, and your last two paragraphs describe how I feel pretty regularly too.
I’m not commenting to try and make you “get over this”, or “get on with life”, or anything of the sort. I just want to encourage you and let you know that God always thinks you’re good enough and you do have what it takes (even when we doubt ourselves), and I’m sure he’s preparing you for something even greater than what you’ve already done.
Thanks for being so honest!
Jeremy´s last blog ..Open Swim
[Reply]
dub Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 4:09 pm
I can’t disagree with you on that. As much as God wants to work all things together for good, satan wants to use our circumstances to destroy us. I don’t like to give him too much credit, though. We humans are capable of evil without his help, and sometimes I think we ascribe things to satan, when he really wasn’t even involved, But I digress.
It’s hard to control what thoughts cross your mind sometimes, but you can control whether you believe them. The struggle sometimes is in choosing not to believe them.
In all of this, I wanted to be as honest as possible about the fight I’m fighting. I’ve come close, but I haven’t given up yet.
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Even though yours isn’t really like my story, I can identify with some of the feelings re identity as we move to another country and need to press start again on life in so many ways. So much of my identity has been in what I do (v.common, & especially for men) with work, church, etc that I’m currently wondering what will happen once all the emigration busy-ness has dissipated, how long it will take to establish me in this new place.
I think doing that in your situation is compounded again, and it sucks when church is like this.
Btw…I know I keep saying this, but STS were better than pretty decent
[Reply]
dub Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Thanks for all of the kind words.
At least now I can say my music has international fans with a straight face…
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Thanks for sharing your heart. It’s good to know that we are not alone in our struggles.
One thing I do know for sure is that God is never surprised at what happens. I have to believe that he can bring purpose out of situations that seem pointless.
[Reply]