Living grace is giving grace. Especially in close relationships.

We are not always perfect in love. We do not always consider the feelings or well-being of others in our decisions. We do not always realize how our words and actions affect others. We are all going to make mistakes. We are not always going to love perfectly.

It’s sometimes easier for me to forgive the bigger things, while the small things are what get to me the most. The times when harsh words are spoken. When promises are not kept. When expectations aren’t met.

Things like this make me want to strike back somehow. And I prefer a passive-aggressive approach to making my disappointment known.

But refusing to give grace in these situations is saying that I will not ever need the same kind of grace. I am putting myself above reproach; I am saying that I am better than the person who has let me down in some way. I am letting my pride get the best of me.

Love is not proud. Love is patient, and love suffers long. Real love is painful, it makes you vulnerable; open to being hurt by those you love. It is loving though the pain, the disappointments and the failures. It is giving grace when none is deserved.

And I cannot expect to get the grace that I need, if I am not willing to give it.

We live in an extremely connected world.

There was a time, in which, if you wished to call someone on the telephone and that someone was not within physical proximity of the telephone (which was likely mounted to a wall or sitting on a table), that someone would not be able to answer your call.  You might let the telephone ring three or four times, and then, you would hang up.  You might try again later, if it was important enough.

Back then, there were a number of accepted-as-valid reasons for not answering the telephone.  Some families didn’t answer the phone during dinner, or during homework time. Some families didn’t allow their children to answer the phone, and if a present adult was indisposed, no one would answer.  And no one answering was an acceptable outcome.

There was also a certain amount of courtesy associated with telephone communication. There was almost an attitude that a telephone call was somewhat of an intrusion, and those making the calls would take that into account.  This influenced when, and how often they would call. They wouldn’t call after the childrens’ bedtimes or during nap times or dinner times, unless there was an urgent reason to do so.

The advent of the answering machine changed this, but only slightly, in that, callers no longer had to hang up when no one answered, but they could leave a message for their intended recipient.

As technology has progressed, we seem to have been conditioned to expect near-instantaneous communication all the time. And, since we have more avenues with which to connect with people, a lot of the courtesy we used to have, seems to have gone out the window.

In non-emergency situations, I have personally witnessed someone trying to call a cell phone (leaving no message), then a home phone (leaving no message), then sending a text, followed by a Facebook message, all in the space of minutes. Some might even extend that to Twitter and an email.

I think this over-reaching in communication attempts stems in part from the receivers’ lack of responsiveness. Since people don’t respond to messages, the messenger will take multiple avenues to try to make contact (even if it is not urgent). It also comes, I think, as a result of living in a world where there are multiple available processes for near real-time communication, resulting in a severe lack of patience.

But, what if I just don’t want to talk to you right now? What if I’m busy, working through something important or trying to spend time in person with my family or a friend?  What if I don’t feel like talking right now? What if I just want to be alone for a bit?

I propose we institute two very simple communication rules and bring back common courtesy in communication:

• If you are trying to get in touch with someone, and don’t get them right away, you can leave them a message on one of any of their contact points (voice mail, text, email, messenger app or social network).
• The person being contacted should respond within a reasonable amount of time.

And all of us should learn a little more patience.

Are you an over-reaching communicator? Or are you a lazy responder? Or both?

I’ve never met Sara in person. I met her the same way many of us have, through her blog. We’ve traded comments on blog posts and messages on Twitter, but I was never as close to her as some others.

Sara has a lot of friends. It’s impossible not to love her once you’re introduced to her. I always felt so much compassion for her because of the things she suffered, due to a condition that ultimately left her home-bound,  locked in her condo with only her faithful dog, Riley.

Though physically constrained, her heart and spirit are impossible to contain, and Sara reached out across the vast expanse of the Internet, and made friends everywhere. I read everything she posted, amazed at her positive outlook in spite of her circumstances.

I won’t lie – since I’ve known Sara, my life has been the most difficult it has ever been (and has been a roller coaster ride that doesn’t seem to want to stop). I’ve struggled with depression and family conflicts and a myriad of other issues. Somehow, when I would find myself wallowing in self-pity, I would always think of Sara, and instead of dwelling on my problems, I would offer up prayers for her.

Often my prayers were angry and questioning, wondering why God would allow such a beautiful soul to languish in the prison of a body fighting against itself. It just isn’t fair. I’ve done plenty to deserve my troubles, and probably deserve much worse, but Sara did not deserve to suffer the way she has.

Sara never seemed to think of things that way, though (which just goes to show how much better a person she is than myself). She had determined to choose joy, regardless of her circumstances, and her example has inspired countless others to do the same.

I celebrated with Sara when her friends would come to visit or send her gifts, I laughed with Sara at the antics of the blog dog, Riley and I cried with Sara when she lost her father suddenly and unexpectedly about a year ago. The strength of her faith to continue to choose joy inspired me. She has taught me so much.

Joy isn’t circumstantial; it doesn’t sneak up and surprise you. When you know in whom you believe, and trust that He holds you in his hand, you choose joy.

Although I’ve been walking through one of the most difficult times in my life, I inexplicably have joy, because I’m choosing it. I am certain, though, I would never have been able to do that without watching Sara do the same.

My heart is heavy, though, because Sara’s doctors have told her she won’t be here much longer, and I can’t get used to the idea of a world without her. But again, I’m choosing joy, knowing that she is soon to enter eternity, finally free from the prison of pain, and reunited with her father – safe in the arms of Jesus.

Sara, I’ll see you when I get there.

Listen to it, and give it respectful consideration. You don’t have to take their advice, but you should at least consider it.

Austin Kleon believes all advice is autobiographical.

It’s one of my theories that when people give you advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past.

If this is true, in most cases, it’s likely that the advice you are getting is based on a very, very hard lesson that someone learned.

Experience is a brutal teacher. But you learn. My God, do you learn. – C. S. Lewis

Learning by experience might be extremely effective, but it is the hard way to learn. You may can save yourself some trouble by learning from someone else’s mistakes.

It is entirely possible to learn from other’s mistakes, just by encountering their story. They may not be giving you advice directly, but a careful examination of their story can help you avoid the same pitfalls that they had to fight their way through.

This principle is why Jesus used parables to teach, and why other philosophers created fables to explain moral principles. A compelling story invites us into the narrative, allowing us to have the experience by proxy, and possibly learn the principles of the experience without having to endure the same difficulties. This can work whether the story itself is a work of fiction or a retelling of a true-life ordeal.

Don’t treat advice as if someone is telling you what to do; they may actually be telling you what they wish they had done, or what they wished they had known when facing a similar situation. And always look for the moral of the story.

If the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence, chances are someone had to shovel a lot of manure to get it that way.

It is easy to get caught up in comparing our lives to other’s lives, and seething over how much better someone else seems to have things.

Sure, that person might have your dream job, but it wasn’t handed to them. They may have worked tirelessly for years to earn that opportunity. They might have a horrible boss, or terrible hours or an even worse working environment.

Another person might live in a nicer house or drive a better car than you have. But, you are not paying those bills, either.

It’s not healthy to engage in those comparisons. That is a waste of time and energy. It’s more productive to determine what you want to achieve and focus your efforts and energy to working towards those things.

Don’t want something just because someone else has it. There is no satisfaction in getting something out of that kind of desire.

When I read this post over at Mandy’s blog, it got me thinking.  The aforementioned post was the result of a writing prompt that asked the writer to imagine they had 15 minutes left to live, and with that knowledge to write the story of those last moments.

If that thought creates immediate anxiety in you, you are probably normal.

Then I saw this post that lists the top five regrets of those on their deathbed.  Feel free to pop over and read it, but I will summarize them here:

1. Not living a life true to themselves, but rather living to others expectations.
2. Working too hard or too much.
3. Not having the courage to express their feelings.
4. Not staying in touch with their friends.
5. Not being happier.

If you thought about the story of your last 15 minutes, were those regrets among your thoughts? What would you want to say, and to whom would you say it? What would you want your friends, your family and the world to know about you? What would you have tried to change?

The bigger question to me is – is it possible to live a life that, in the end, won’t be burdened with regrets? Could we be more intentional with our energy, our efforts, our words and our actions and do the things we should while we have the opportunity?

Chances are, your life is not what you want it to be.

Negativity is easy because the things that are wrong are not hard to find. It almost seems more natural for your mind to search out and focus on those things that you don’t like about your life. It is rarely productive to think this way.

A continuing focus on the negative will sap your mental (and even your physical) energy and destroy your motivation. The end result will always be a mindset of despair. Eventually, you will have convinced yourself that there is nothing you can do to overcome the things that have brought you to that despair.

Despair is a very poor starting point for getting anything accomplished. It makes it extremely difficult to conjure any productive or creative thoughts and to find any energy to do anything. In this state, everything you do becomes a burden, making you further resent your current situation.

Then comes the disenchantment and the restlessness. The overwhelming desire to escape. The detachment from the present, when the focus turns to the should-have-beens and the never-will-bes. The temptations you would easily resist begin to become more attractive, since they seem to offer a change from what has become the ordinary and the mundane. Your negative attitude will affect the quality of your work and your relationships, and instead of working to solve problems, you’ll only be creating more.

From here, it will only get worse, unless you counteract the negative thinking pattern.

The number one thing you can do to begin to reverse the negative thought patterns is to actively and intentionally look for good things in your life, and when you find them, be grateful for them. Especially the things that you probably take for granted right now. Like the fact that your car started, or that you survived your commute into work.

Try starting a gratitude list. You can start with only one thing. Every day, read the entire list, and try to add at least one more thing .

Making gratitude a part of your life will do wonders to change your perspective. As your perspective changes, you may find that the life you have is not the life you thought you had.

Determine what is most important to you.

Align your priorities accordingly.

Do not spend more time and effort on a lower priority while neglecting higher ones.

Stop keeping score. Stop counting successes and failures, good events and bad events, as wins and losses.

Remember that everything that happens is an ingredient in the person you become.

Focus on being the best possible version of you. Keep striving for that outcome, regardless of the current circumstance.

I often hear the term ‘addiction’ used in reference to a relationship with Jesus (as in “I’m addicted to Jesus, I can’t live without him”). While this is a nice sentiment, something about describing it that way does not sit well in my brain.

If a person is addicted to something, it promotes the idea that living without that something is possible, but doing so would be very uncomfortable.

I would rather equate the necessity of Jesus to that of breathing, where living without is impossible.