But deep down, I desperately want to be found.

Dave Ramsey tweeted the following this morning:

People yearn for acceptance.  Inside of all of us is the 13 year old who wants to sit at the lunch table with the cool kids.

I have never been cool.  Never been close to cool.  I have no hope of ever being cool, unless being extremely nerdy and socially awkward come into fashion.   Like I said, no hope.

Most of my life, I have been afraid to let my real personality show. Afraid to let anyone know anything personal about me. Afraid to let anyone get too close. I have always been the person that I thought other people wanted me to be to be accepted by them.

I’ve spent most of my life hiding behind this facade. I was an actor, playing the role of the person I thought I wanted to be.  I was so afraid of being rejected that I would do nearly anything to avoid that possibility.

It’s very difficult to come to terms with who you really are when you are hiding it from everyone else.

Learning this has been a very arduous process. Overcoming it will probably be more difficult, and I know it is impossible to do this alone.

If I am truly going to connect with others:

• I need to come to terms with and accept myself for who I really am.
• I am going to have to be more vulnerable than I’ve ever been.
• I must accept the fact that some people may reject me, misunderstand me and disappoint me.
• I must not allow what others think of me determine how I view myself.

I’m looking forward to the freedom that I will experience when I’ve finally come out of hiding for good.

Do you feel you can always be yourself?

(TMI Tuesday is a new posting topic I am adding to my blog where I share very personal information that I normally would not.  The rest of today’s post will explain further.  So on with the post….)

In all of my previous blogging endeavors, on Facebook and on twitter, I’ve never really opened up and shared anything too personal. I’ve always been very general, never revealing too much, and as such, I probably come across as very impersonal.

I’ve commented on a few blog posts, at times have been a part of a discussion, but I am admitting that this is very difficult for me. Why?

I have a really hard time dealing with rejection. I always have. I’m naturally reserved, an introvert. I love people, I love the interaction, but a nagging fear of rejection has kept me from making connections.

I’m a typical case. I was (still am) a nerd in the classical sense. Intelligent, shy, interested in nerdy stuff like math, science, technology and the like. I never had a lot of friends in school. My only non-nerdy interest (which I pursued with nerd-like infatuation) was music.  I learned to play guitar and sing, and about the only time I got any attention in high school was when I brought my guitar and sang the latest country hit songs at lunch break. But my social awkwardness kept me from fitting in with most everyone.

Even now, its difficult. I get really anxious when I have to call someone I don’t know or haven’t spoken to before. I get anxious when I’m asking something from someone, even if they are a close friend (I DO have a few of those now). It’s even hard for me to ask for a day off from work sometimes. All because the pain of rejection has been so real in my life, that I do everything I can to avoid having to face it.

It’s a terrible weakness I have, one I’m trying to work through, and so I ask anyone out there who may be reading this to please be patient with me. I’m not really impersonal, or a snob. I’m just afraid sometimes that if I put too much out there you’ll find something about me that you won’t like, and I’m not sure how I’ll deal with that.

(If you’re a blogger, feel free to write your own TMI Tuesday post and link to it in the comments)